Is this joy? Waking up with a sense of calm, nothing tugging at me, just a simple straight line of stillness, like a spine of steel glowing red and exuding a strength and deep heat inside of me.
No shame, no angst no anxiety. I’m not late, I’m not rushed, I haven’t forgotten anything, nobody is angry with me, the world is not snapping at my heels. I may open my eyes and simply lie still.
In the dream I just woke from I had a show and was travelling a distance to reach it, as were a large convoy of others – a community of happy faces from my past. We were travelling on a futuristic motorway in the sky (yes I watched Back to The Future too much as a kid). Anticipation was building, and everyone was excited and positive. In parallel, just over the way, on the other side of the sky carriageway Taiga was building his own community, a football event he and his team mates were training for – gathering interest and loving the whole process. He was coming to my gig and i’d be going to his match, we were motion together. Happy and supporting one another.
In reality, the previous day marked the first time I’d got to take him out and spend the day with him since arriving earlier this week, and I’d accompanied him to his football training session.
Before sleeping I put my arm around his boney shoulders, kissed his head and spoke softly to him, rounding up the day. Reminding him how good it has been to reunite, what a treat it was to watch his football session earlier, the resilience he displayed to continue straight afterwards to swimming practice, and we laughed about how the heat of the pool had my eyelids weighing heavy and my head drooping as I struggle to stay awake.
I’ve been here for 4 days now but I guess it takes a while to get over jet lag as I woke up convinced it was morning but it was only 1am. Nothing to fear, i’ll get there and in the meantime i’ll notice this feeling of peace. Being able to reach out and hold him, watch him communicate with others, and the greatest joy so far on the trip – eavesdrop on him singing in the shower! the muffled sound of his spontaneous Japlish words and melodies splashing off the bathroom tiles and back through the glass door – the most harmonious, joyous music I’ve heard.
It’s interesting to me how I feel this way without gigging, without performing. There was no audience applause for me tonight, no perfect solo or soaring high notes were needed. Those are things I appreciate and i’m grateful for, things I work hard for and seek out. But the stillness and inner peace that inspired this diary entry are what I came here for, across the otherside of the world and this is what i’ll take to my grave. So let the rest fade, let me hold your hand, and stroke your head as I tell you everything is OK – because it is.
Tomorrow has it’s own agenda, but right now, as I whisper these words: “It is”.
Dan x
Ps. Today’s head turning body stretcher was a taxi driver, spotted crouching around the rear of his vehicle, then standing reaching arms to the sky, then bend double at the waist – all in the middle of the road. But he was simply giving the body the minimum requirement. Or course he needs that stretch, he’s a taxi driver.